Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
