Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
