I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
