So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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