You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
