Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize