On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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