They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
