So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
