you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
