I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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