my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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