She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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