I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
