my phone needs a breathalizer
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
