worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
