In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize