I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
