I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
