she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
