I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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