24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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