I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
