it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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