please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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