Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
