the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize