My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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