I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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