after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
