Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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