I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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