so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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