Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
