i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
