Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
