Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Randomize
