So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize