We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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