who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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