My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
