I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
