alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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