Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
