During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
