This is not my ceiling
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
