I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
