just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
