How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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