omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
