Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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