Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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