I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize