I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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