My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
