Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
