I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
