I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
