Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Randomize
