Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
