You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
