I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
