I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
