Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
