I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
